Recently in Lighter Side Category
President Spock, indeed....
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Here we are, already discussing the future President of the United States , beginning with the Year 2012. |
MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!
Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......
Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away ~ or wait nearby ~ like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."
"I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate."
"The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."
"To err is human; to forgive, highly unlikely."
"Do you realize that in about forty years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels, and their 'Golden Oldies' will be RAP?" (Now that's scary!)
"Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."
"After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead."
h/t: Uncle
~Your Kids are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are Perfect!
~Going Out is good.. Coming Home is better!
~You Forget names .... But it's OK because other people forgot they Even knew you!!!
~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything .... Especially Golf.
~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's Called " Pre-sleep".
~You miss the days when everything worked with just an " ON" and " OFF" Switch..
~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... " what?" .....
" when?"... ???
~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
~You notice everything sold in stores is " sleeveless" !!!!
~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~Everybody Whispers.
~Now that your husband has retired .... You'd give anything if he'd find a job!
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet .... 2 of which you will never wear.
h/t: Uncle
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NICKNAMES |
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· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. |
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· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains. |
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EATING OUT |
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· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. |
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· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. |
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MONEY |
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· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. |
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· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. |
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BATHROOMS |
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· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. |
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· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. |
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ARGUMENTS |
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· A woman has the last word in any argument. |
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· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. |
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FUTURE |
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· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. |
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· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. |
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SUCCESS |
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· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. |
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· A successful woman is one who can find such a man. |
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MARRIAGE |
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· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. |
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· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. |
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DRESSING UP |
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· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. |
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· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. |
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NATURAL |
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· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. |
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· Women somehow deteriorate during the night. |
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OFFSPRING |
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· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. |
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· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. |
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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY |
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A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! |
Well it all started back
About a week or two
I bought this instant Wonder Glue.
I'd seen it work on TV and I just had to try me some.
Well when I got home
I spilled the stuff
And I reached for a towel to wipe it up,
And that towel stuck to my hand like another thumb.
And as if that wasn't trouble enough,
Here come Rover chasing Fluff,
And that cat jumped up
And stuck right to my knee.
(He doesn't have a knee!)
Well I reached down to hold the dog away
And I touched his ear and that's where my hand stayed
And he lit out a yelping dragging the cat and me.
Well running through the house
We knocked the bird cage down
And the parakeet got loose and was flying all around
And finally landed and stuck to the top of my head
And I was tryin' to be careful, but I just wasn't able
And we were stickin' to ashtrays, lamps n tables
And I was wishin' that I had bought a roll
Of Duct Tape instead.
Well I finally fell exhausted into a chair
And then you came in and found me there
With the bird on my head and my hand on the dog
And the cat stuck to my knee,
And you said the scene looked
Heaven sent that I looked like a man perfectly content
A regular St. Francis of Asissi.
And before I could stop you, You laid a big kiss on me.
Now Honey, I'm stuck on you.
Yes I'm stuck on you,
I'm stuck to the dog
And stuck to the cat
And stuck to the parakeet too.
Ever since I bought that tube of
Instant Wonder Glue
Everything has stuck on me
And now I'm stuck on you.
Well I got to thinkin' sittin' there that day.
How did they make that stuff anyway,
I mean there must be workers
Stuck all over the factory.
I bet there's shoes on the floor and shirts on the walls
And hat's on the ceiling and all up and down the halls
Why just gettin' this stuff in the tube
Has got to be a miracle to see.
Now if we could ever make it to the telephone
And get the paramedics out to our home
Maybe they could surgically remove you and the dog
And the cat and the parakeet
And as soon as we're all healed up enough
We're gonna sneak into the plant where they make that stuff
And for revenge we'll put instant Wonder Glue
On all their toilet seats
Hee Hee Hee ...
Until then I'm stuck on you,
Yes I'm stuck on you,
I'm stuck to the dog
And stuck to the cat
And stuck to the parakeet too.
Ever since I bought that tube of Instant Wonder Glue
Everything has stuck on me and now I'm stuck on you.
Ohhh, I'm stuck on you, yes I'm stuck on you.
I'm stuck to the dog and stuck to the cat
And stuck to the parakeet too.
Ever since I bought that tube of Instant Wonder Glue
Everything has stuck on me and now I'm stuck on you.
An ode to Osama bin Laden (to the tune of "Margaritaville" by Jimi Buffet)
Nibblin on sponge cake
Watchin the sun bake
An' the infidels die
Loadin’ my AK-47
Know I’m goin’ to heaven
And the Americans all goin’ to hell to fry
Chorus:
Gonna waste ‘em all in ChunkySalsaville
Searching for where the nukes are
Some people claim that Allah’s to blame
But I say Allahu Akbar!
I know the reason
I stayed here six seasons
‘cause the US would frag my ass blue
But they’ll never find me
The Paks will hide me
‘sides, violence Obama won’t do
Chorus:
Gonna waste ‘em all in ChunkySalsaville
Searching for where the nukes are
Some people claim that Allah’s to blame
But I say Allahu Akbar!
The SEALs blew down my door
Wanted some more
Yelled, “Surrender or you will die!”
Ducked behind my wife
Then I lost my life
72 virgins? In a pig’s eye!
I got wasted in ChunkySalsaville
Descending to where the fishes are
Some people claim that hell’s not aflame
But I say AAAAUUGGGHHH!
Yes some people claim that hell’s not aflame
But I say AAAAUUGGGHHH!
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LET'S SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT!!! IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR. |
h/t: Uncle
While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.
And then He made Earth round.
h/t: Uncle
| Solar X-rays: Geomagnetic Field: |
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